jump to navigation

Moving more than my stuff Wednesday 24th February, 2010

Posted by ankaisa in : Misc , 1 comment so far

It seems that I feel like moving more than just my physical stuff. The reason I created this site is no longer valid, so this blog is the only thing that remains here. And as it can be aquired for free, why should I keep paying for this.

I’m going to close this place. Please update your links to http://ankaisa.wordpress.com/

I can not remember how long time I have left on this server, but once it is up this place is not going to be here anymore. So please get the new link now!!

No turning back now

Posted by ankaisa in : Misc , add a comment

It’s funny how your mind plays tricks on you. Now my thoughts have once again gotten to the point where I question my decision to leave. I’m afraid it causes some permanent damage, either to me or DS. Or even soon-to-be-ex, I still do not wish him to be dead or anything.

I need to remind me on why it is I’m leaving. I have to convince myself that it really is the right thing to do. I need to be sure I’m doing this for me and nobody else. I need to be confident that I would be happy in this new life even if I have to be alone.

But that is the funny thing about life. There are no certainties. There is no way of knowing how my life would be if I stayed instead of leaving. All I can do is trust my intuition. And that is screaming that this should have been done years ago. My rational mind is the one having a hard time right now.

Just a few more weeks. Then the hell breaks loose. I just have to think that no matter how hard it is at that time it will only get better. Things will be all right. In the end everything will be all right.

Believe Sunday 21st February, 2010

Posted by ankaisa in : Misc , add a comment

I am really doing this. Things have gone so far that I cannot stop them anymore. And that makes me very afraid. I can give you the link to my new apartment but it will only be valid to next Friday. It’s the day we make the papers.

I’m so excited. I’m so afraid. Knowing the situation this could be the last thing I do. But I have to believe that soon-to-be-ex is not someone who kills.

A lot is riding on this assumption. You all will be my witness if things… well blow up. Just hoping I will survive the explosion.

It depends on the wind Sunday 14th February, 2010

Posted by ankaisa in : Misc , 1 comment so far

I know it seems that I change my direction like a windmill. I know that. But believe me, it’s not fun to be in this windmill.

For some reason things just happen once again. It seems my whole life has just been a series of just happenings. Things just are rolling ahead with little effort on my part

I just have to believe this is something that is meant to happen. I know I have talked about this before. But somehow the feeling is so strong. Things just happen. Of course I could fight it. I have in the past. But looking at where that fighting took me I’m not so sure I should do that.
I’m just afraid that even when this might be that biggest change I’m going to make in my life I do not have a thing to tide me over. When I was laid off the first time I had music. When I first decided that this relationship is over I had a different kind of music. But now I do not have any recent discovery.

So what will tide me over this change? I know this is not going to be easy. Not by any measure. This is going to hurt people besides me.

So why do I feel so detached again? Like this is all happening to someone else and not me? Like I’m just watching all this from outside?

I want to feel again. Even if it’s pain.

Just another day Friday 12th February, 2010

Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe!, Misc , 2 comments

Um, I guess it is time for my monthly (or so) update on things. Evertyhing is pretty much in a holding pattern right now. The one thing that has gone forward is the looking for an apartment part, which now looks like it’s solved. I’m going to buy a flat! The interests are low, at least in this country, so there is no point in paying rent. That rent money is gone after it leaves your bank account and you will never see it again. But the mortgage payments will go towards something that is yours, so you can get at least some of it back if you decide to sell it someday.

It’s funny that I can not really say how I feel about this. One second I am sooooooo excited that I want to jump in joy. The next second I’m thinking about all the things that can go wrong, like losing my job and not getting another one near enough so that I could commute. I’m really, really scared about this and really looking forward to it.

And my parents are really getting old. I do worry about them. To me it is quite obvious that they can not live by themselves a lot longer. But for some reason it seems to be really difficult to get them somewhere where they would be taken care of. So to the authorities they are still well enough to live in their home. What if they do not want to live at that home anymore???

And work is, well, work. I hate paperwork but that is the only thing I’ve got right now. Right now I’m trying to make Excel do some calculations for me and it seems really difficult. I know there are many things you can do with it but how do I find out how?

So once again it seems that there is so much worry in my life that I can not feel anything. I just feel flat. Maybe it is some kind of a coping mechanism. If I really worried about all the things in my life right now I would go mad.

100 years Saturday 9th January, 2010

Posted by ankaisa in : Misc , 3 comments

Today was an interesting day. In lots of ways. My dad had his 100 year party. Yes, my dad is that old. My mom is 80, so they have a big age difference.

I had promised to make the cake. Or cakes, as I had to make enough for 60 people. That meant three cakes, as one of them had to be gluten free. I surfed the net and read that 18 eggs should be enough for 60 people.

But the recipe I had asked a colleague to give me had only instructions for 6 or 8 egg cake. Sure, I can half the 8 egg cake but if I have never done that before how big is the risk that it goes bad? And I wanted to make three layer cakes, so if I am making them in a pan and every recipe is for 4 eggs – so how badly do I screw that up if I just use three eggs…

So in the end there were two 12 egg big cakes and one 6 egg gluten free cake. I thought that was plenty. I had never baked for that many people. I used 30 eggs, and 18 was enough. But not much was left, so it must have been good.

And while at the party I saw a two month old baby. And all I could think was how cute and adorable he was. I did not want to snap him from him mother’s arms, I did not feel jealous. Does that mean I’m totally cured? At least it feels like I am.

And it felt bad to play the happy family. I can just not put up a happy face and pretend all is well. But it seems I can hide that I could actually care less. But it is so, so hard to appear in situations like this and act like all is well when it is just the opposite.

I can do this, I can do this Monday 4th January, 2010

Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe!, Misc , 2 comments

So the new year is here. Now I really have to start looking for a place to stay. Once again the first rush of excitement has passed, but this time I’m not giving up. This time I’m going to follow through with it.

But still it’s hard. I know I am doing the right thing, but doing it is going to hurt others. And I’m still very, very worried on how badly the soon-to-be-ex is going to flip. I’m sure many of you have read about this. I really believe he is not going to go that mad, but I can not be sure. He surely is overly jealous.

So I do not think I’m too cautious about him. He has not been physically violent towards me or anyone else, but I’m not completely sure he is not going to do anything. I guess I just have to do whatever I have to and worry about those things should they emerge.

But I can not help but be a bit worried. This could all blow up on my face. I have to consider the possibility that he is not going to be able to deal with it. So would I rather be dead than live my life this way?

It’s all in there Sunday 27th December, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Misc , 1 comment so far

Life sure is funny. Remember this post ? What if everything does have a purpose after all.

I know I have not believed in things before I can experience them myself. I am a skeptic, I will admit to that. Just as readily I will admit that I do believe that there are things that science and rational thinking can not explain.

I can not explain how it is possible to feel a connection with someone you have just met. With most people it takes a lot of time to feel any kind of a connection, to me it seems that with most people you will never find a common tune.

How it is then possible that you meet someone who feels like you have known him for ages?

Or maybe not even known before, but suddenly you want to know everything there is to know about that person. And you want to let him know everything there is to know about you.

That does not happen every day. That does not happen every month. Not even every year. Not every ten years either. I’m not sure if it has ever happened to me before. Or that if it will happen ever again.

How is it possible to feel that kind of a connection to someone who you know nothing about? That is what I can not explain. What is it? Destiny? Karma? Soulmate? Imagination?

I have no answers. I just have more questions.

I know I will turn to means that somebody would think are dubious when faced with these questions. I know I have done that now, once again. I know that many people think that looking into cards is not a way to find the answers.

But for some reason the unknown has always fascinated me. So I have tried to pick up cards to show me the way. I know that believing in that the cards can tell me what is ahead is foolish. But it still comforts me in some way.

What is real and what is not? If modern science can not explain something does that mean it does not exist?

Still waiting for answers.

A quote from another site:
“Maybe you didn’t even know how uneven, how lopsided your life was, but now that you’ve met this person, you can feel the scales coming into balance. Here is harmony. Here is the solution. “

What? Christmas? Sorry, that’s the last thing on my mind right now Tuesday 22nd December, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe!, This is me , 1 comment so far

This not going to be easy, not by any measure. I’m still very much afraid of the consequences of my decision. But deep in my heart I know that it must be done. This life I have now is not really a life. The only way to have a life of my own is to move elsewhere. I have been facing this dead end for years now and refusing to accept it for what it is.

Now that I can see it clearly, I’m still not happy about what it means. I know for sure that if I’m ever going to be happy again I have to leave, now. It will hurt not just me but others as well. If I did not have DS things would be easier, now I have to deal with it in such a way that I can maintain at least some level of communication with his father. I can not just slam the door and never see him again, that is just not an option.

I’m sure I will have no trouble in relating to him in a decent way. I’m just as sure of the fact that he will have a lot of trouble doing the same. I really just hope he can get over it, but I’m not holding my breath. I guess I will just have to deal with it. I just hope it will not be too bad…

One thing I do know is that I will have to shut my cell phone at night. If I fail to do that, I will most certainly be getting drunken phone calls. And when I manage to get that place of my own I need to move there fast, because every day in this house after that will be pure pain. I’m a bit afraid to ask people here to help me move, but I will have to get someone. I’m afraid he will be putting up quite a show… But I have to trust that he will not actually grab anyone. Oh dear, let’s really hope he will not physically attack anyone.

But even this can not keep me from moving. I’m going anyway, it’s for a long time just been a matter of time. And now I have decided that the time is now. Not any later.

If everyone tells you staying is wrong, do you listen? Monday 30th November, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe!, This is me , 3 comments

My head has not yet stopped spinning. And I’m quite sure it’s not going to for a while.

I talked to a good friend of mine during the weekend. I can tell her everything and did just that. And she thinks that this living arrangement of mine sucks for everyone and I’m not doing anyone any favors by not leaving.

So this time I’m really going to leave. I really cannot stay any longer. Well, much longer, no point in ruining Christmas for everyone. I’ve put it up this far, I can carry on a month longer. But as soon as the New Year arrives I’m going to look for an apartment of my own.

This time I can and will not cancel this plan for anything or anyone. DS will follow, I have trust that if he has to choose between staying with soon-to-be-ex and in the same school and moving to the city with me and possibly having to change into another school.

As I said in the previous post, I’m afraid of this path and where it is leading me. But now I know for sure that this is the path I must take. I have been telling me that I do this because of DS, but I actually may be doing him more harm by staying than I will do by leaving now instead of later.