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Can you fake pain? Thursday 25th June, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Misc, Fuck you, universe! , add a comment

Tomorrow is my last day at work before my summer holiday. Then I can just be for four weeks! I have not planned it very much, the only thing I know is that we will have our traditional trip to Helsinki. It still remains to be seen how many people there will be going, but at least me and DS.

I just hope I can enjoy the vacation. There are still so many things on my mind. Too many questions unanswered. Little things that make me wonder if I’m making things up or did something actually change. I know I’m once again overanalyzing things.

Maybe I should just ask so that I could get a piece of mind. Then again that plan backfired badly just before Christmas last year. I really have to ask myself which is worse, knowing for sure that all hope is lost or living in this uncertainty. But the slim chance that everything is not hopeless attracts me like a flame attracts a moth.

When will I ever learn? How many times must I burn my wings before I can accept the fact that this is the way it is?

I know I’m terribly bad in reading people. But I think I can recognize the look in someone when they look at something they desperately want but can not have: the look in an infertile woman’s eyes when they look at a visibly pregnant woman. That pain is all too familiar to me. And I think I have seen it. But then again, I could be wrong. Still, that is the hope I have. Can I just let it go?

If it at least was warm and sunny outside but no, cold and windy Thursday 18th June, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Misc, Fuck you, universe! , add a comment

My heart is so really heavy these days. I feel like crying all the time. I just read through some of my recent posts, and they all seem to revolve around the same thing. But here is a quick recap on the things I have written to you about!

The princess party was held despite the fact that my friend spent time in hospital. And it was not really as bad as I expected it to be. But I did not think it was the best party ever. I’m still happy for my friend and all that really matters is that she liked the party very much. I was not sure if she’d like my present to her, but it at least seemed like it was not a complete miss. I’m funny that way, I get real enjoyment on buying people presents they like getting. To me it’s not just the thought that counts; I want to make people happy.

The office sauna party went, too. And there is nothing to report. He never showed up. I can think of several reasons why, but I will never find out which one is the real one. So I’m just going to assume that he never came because he knew I was going to be there. And it is not a good thought. So now, knowing me, it is very hard to let go and not dig out the reason. My rational mind knows that I’m right in thinking I’m the reason he did not show up and knowing it for sure is just going to make me feel worse. But can I keep me from trying to find out? Well, that remains to be seen. It doesn’t look good.

And now I should somehow find a festive spirit for the midsummer celebrations. I’m quite sure that is totally impossible. Who cares anyway, it has been many, many years since this festival has been fun for me. So I was not expecting it to be especially great. But I was not expecting to be swallowing a big lump in my throat all the time either.

Waiting is hard if you do not know what you are waiting for Wednesday 17th June, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , add a comment

Life really is quite boring. It really seems that the good days are few and far from each other, at least for now. I often find myself thinking that is this really what my life will be for the next 40 years or whatever it is what is left. I sometimes think there is light at the end of the tunnel, but it always manages to fade away before I can reach it.

Maybe it’s just that I manage to make my life more complicated than it really is. Maybe I should just stop thinking about it so much. But that is not something that is easily achieved. My life sucks because I know it could be a lot better. Knowing that makes it worse.

So I just drag myself from one day to another. There really is nothing to be looking forward to. I’m going to start my summer vacation soon, but I’m not even looking forward to that. It’s just going to be boring, the only trip we are going to make is the same we always do, going to see some relatives and visiting an amusement park. The rest of the vacation is going to consist of cleaning, cleaning, cleaning and playing WoW. Yeah, sounds like a great vacation, doesn’t it.

The pit is calling my name again. It’s just so hard to point out the reason why it does it this time. Therefore it is a bit frightening, as there is no knowing when it will let me out again. This time I do not have the confidence that it will eventually let me go. I’m afraid that this time it’s going to keep me there. Or at least hold me for a very long time.

I wish I just had something to look forward to. Something fun to expect. Something I could count days to. But at this point of my life everything I have ahead of me looks gray. Not black but gray. Dull. Without any joy. Can I really take that for 40 years?

Wait, I already am Tuesday 2nd June, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Misc , 3 comments

So now I have turned invisible. So much for that then, whatever it was. I know it’s all for the best, because that can of worms is not one I care to open again. But I can’t say that it would not feel bad.

And I would very much like to know what it was that went wrong in that 5 minutes that we spent in the same room. Because to me it seems that something did. I know I most likely acted funny, but how would he know what is normal for me and what is not. Or was I that obvious…

But the fact remains that he at least used to say hi when we passed by. Now I’m just air. Just yesterday I happened to end up in a dentist’s waiting room at the same time. No other co-workers present, barely even any other people there and he did not acknowledge my presence in any way. I do not exist anymore.

So now I’m pretty sure he will not even show up on Friday. This is also a good thing, as alcohol changes things and I’m still afraid I would do something stupid. But then I know that the evening is just going to be incredibly boring and most likely I will just go home early. Bah, I do not even feel like going. But it would seem incredibly funny if I did not go because I’m the one who has been sending out the invitation emails…

So I’ll go. But I will be prepared to go home early if things suck as they usually do at these parties. Damn, I wish it was Saturday already and this was over. Once again I wish that you could fast forward your life. Why not skip a few years at once to a (hopefully) happier place in my life!

A week and a day away Thursday 28th May, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so far

I hate this mess otherwise known as my life. What bothers me the most is my inability to find a way out of my situation. So that means that everything remains the same. Sure, sometimes everything is tolerable, but it can never be great.

It seems I have way too much time to think. Way too much. I play all kinds of different scenarios in my head. But the only thing that is sure is that whatever I imagine would happen never does. Always something unexpected happens.

So now I’m preparing for a sauna party where we have invited all people from this workplace. Yes, that means him, too. And I’m so worried it is going to end in a disaster. Then again he just might not show up at all if I am reading him correctly. As I’ve said, he really seems to be uncomfortable around me lately. So if he is uncomfortable enough, he might not come at all.

But I’m assuming I will not be that lucky. Then there is a possibility that all goes to hell. I could make a total ass out of myself, and I’m really worried that I’m going to do just that. Give me a little alcohol and anything can happen. So I keep telling me that I really, really have to stay away from him no matter what. I will only talk to him is he comes to talk to me first.

What puzzles me the most is that how in hell did it get to this. It all went reasonably well up until that one day I mentioned when we happened to end up in the same room for five minutes or so. What did I do wrong? Or am I just seeing things where there is nothing to be seen? Why does he not even say hi to me anymore? Looks the other way if I happen to catch his eye? But seems to be looking at me when he passes by and thinks that I’m not looking at him? Sometimes lets out a heavy sigh when I happen to accidentally end up near him? What the hell happened there?

Most likely I will not be getting any answers. But all the elements of disaster are there. I just have to keep my act together no matter what. I must not break down and let all of my co-workers see what a fool I am. It is hard enough to work here now after what happened at the Christmas party. It would be even worse if everyone knew. Now it’s just me and him – and that really is bad enough.

Just pick it up and dial Friday 22nd May, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : This is me, Fuck you, universe! , 2 comments

The summer is almost here. It’s always nice when the weather gets warmer. I still find it difficult to find any joy in the nicer weather, as so many things are still going around in my head. I find it hard to concentrate on things.

This really has been an interesting year. So many things have happened and seem to keep happening. Just recently I heard that my good friend has ended up in hospital. I should really call her to see how she is doing, but for some reason I can not make myself do it. So I’m pretending to be the ostrich that buries its head in the sand. I really need to do it, but maybe later today…

I think I also feel bad because she is going to be 40 this summer and was going to have a party three weeks from now. I think it is reasonable to assume that the party has been cancelled. And I was bitching to another friend about how I do not want to go because there will be only women present and I know that I do not get along with at least one of them.

I know I’m a bit odd, but I have never really been good in getting along with women. I can not usually chat with them for a very long time without starting to feel like an outsider. What I like doing and what I do in real life is not what your average female usually does. For starters I’m an electrical engineer. There are not that many women I have met in this business. I really like computers and doing things with them, I’m quite sure you can not find too many women that have done a format c: on purpose. And even if that is not enough, now I play WoW.

So do you think I would have had a lot to talk about with most of the women? Umm, no. So I was quite sure that the party would not go well for me. I was not looking forward to it. Now I do not have to go to the party (most likely, not exactly confirmed yet as I have not been able to make myself call) but the reason sucks.

I know that me thinking that I do not want to go is not the reason my friend is lying in the hospital right now. I’m feeling a strange mixture of relief and concern. I think I’m going to make that call. Right now.

Why did someone throw me in this dark pit again? Friday 8th May, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so far

Suddenly I feel like all the joy has been sucked out of my life. It is very hard to get from one say to another. I’m trying to write it out, once again. The reason for all this is quite well explained in yesterday’s post.

I know this will pass. I know the sun will be shining one day again. Right now I just can not see it no matter how much I try. This is just something I have to get through. At least in the weekend I do not have to be here in the workplace, but I doubt I can get back into the – well, if not happy but ignorant place soon.

Someone really has to invent a pill you can take when you realize you have a one sided crush. This is not fun for anyone. Not the one having the crush, not the object of the crush and not to anyone around those two.

Feelings suck. I’d rather not feel anything than be this miserable again. In fact now that I think about it, I have been happiest when I have not had any big feelings for anyone or anything. Then you can just live your life and not worry about trivial things like love. I do not agree with whoever it was that said it is better to have loved and lost it than never loved or something like that.

Actually it really sucks to know that there really is something like love. Because that feeling really is great. I can not deny it. It is. The bad thing is that at least for me it never really hits two people at once so that they both suddenly think the other person is the most wonderful thing on earth. That is the no fun part about it. Knowing how good it can be but never really getting there. And once again this is something no amount of hard work can change.

So I’m just working hard trying to get to a place where I can not feel much. Just let me sleep through the next couple of weeks or how ever long it takes to get over this molehill I’m facing this time. Damn, where are all those good drugs when you need them…

In between Thursday 7th May, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : This is me, Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so far

It really is funny how hard it is to find someone who likes you as much as you like him. To me it seems that nature made some kind of fault when designing men (as in humans). I think that I have read many times scientific (or at least semi scientific) articles on how we look for genes that are as far away from ours as can be found.

Well, then tell me how it is possible that so many times the crushes are one sided? If your genes think mine would be a good match to yours, why do my genes say no way? And vice versa? It does not compute.

All this has become painfully clear to me again. Last week I was in a training related to my involvement in local politics. I’ve done this for four years now, but this is the first training I’ve been to.

The training was held in a city not that far away from here, about 150 kilometers. It was a two day training, so the others decided that we stay overnight. I would have wanted to come home for the night as it was not really that far away. But I agreed to stay there because everyone else was staying, too.

I’ve said it before that I’m really not that good in noticing if someone is interested in me. I did not think much of it in the morning when the others had divided who goes to what car when I was not there yet. Now when I think back I should have noticed that look on the building inspectors face when I got into his car…

Well, everything was as always up until the evening, when we had a dinner (with wine, of course). Many of the men had already taken a few drinks before that. Well, nothing special there either. But some kind of alarm should have gone off in my head at the point where the men started planning where to go to for the rest of the evening. One of them really wanted to go to someplace where there is possibility to dance (meaning waltz and tango and stuff like that). I do not really care for that kind of music so I was not really sure if I wanted to go. I remember that same building inspector saying at some point that I surely must go with them. Well, being too early to go to sleep and nothing to do at the hotel I finally agreed to go.

At the dance I did not really want to dance with anybody. But I have been told that it is really not an option to refuse if someone asks you to dance. Luckily that night it was the ladies’ turn to ask, so I got to sit in peace most of the time. I only danced three times, once with each of the men at our table. The first one was not familiar to me in advance; he just happened to be in the same training and tagged along. He did give me a couple of big wet kisses on the cheek and then he said he was so sorry. Well, I’m not going to see him ever again so that was easily brushed aside.

The second man I danced with was luckily just interested in dancing. And he was rather good at it, too. The real problems only started when I danced with that inspector. The dancing itself went… well, as well as it can go after about a half a dozen drinks. It was only after we got back to the table. We had been sitting in adjacent chairs the whole evening, but now he suddenly grabbed me in a one armed hug and started squeezing every now and then.

Enter panic mode. This is someone I have to get along to in the future, too. I can not just punch him in the face and leave. I can’t just tell him to fuck the hell off and take your damn hand away from my shoulder. I have to find another way out of this situation.

So I did what I could: run. I became suddenly reeeeally, reeeeeeeally tired and wanted to go to the hotel. Like right now. Don’t even want to finish my drink. Out. Now. Run away. Luckily I managed to get to the hotel room with my (female) roommate even though the inspector tried to follow us. That was a bit too close for comfort.

But the damage was done. I can not act normally around him anymore. Now all I can think is that how long he has been eyeing me before he made his move. And there is no way you can ever make me drink in the same table with him again. It really makes me sick in my stomach. My genes are really, really, really not compatible with his. No fucking way. Makes me want to vomit even thinking about it.

And then there was yesterday here at work. I was starting to think that I’m finally totally over my foolish crush on that colleague. I really thought so! But yesterday he came into a room where I already was to talk about a work related issue. There were four people in that room. A normal sized office room, not that big. Everything goes just fine when I do not have to be that close to him, I was really ignoring him already. But just a few minutes in the same room and I found out that it is far from being forgotten just yet.

As I’ve explained to you there is no way anything is ever going to come out of it, so I have been actively trying to forget. But it’s not so easy to tell that to your genes or whatever it is that thinks that he has a perfect match. But then again how can it be perfect if he is not interested?

Being in the both sides of the equation is not fun. How can I react normally to that man who has developed some kind of interest to me? Now even shaking his hand makes me shiver with disgust. And even the bigger question, how on earth can I act normally around that man who I seem to still have a crush on? As I know how bad it is to be on the receiving side I do not want to make him feel the disgust. I know, a bit too late for that. All I can say is that he was not that reluctant on the night of that Christmas party. He was perfectly willing back then. But I have to hide the fact that I’m not over that night just yet, as I really do not want to make him feel uncomfortable. Which is what he seems to be if I interpret him correctly. Damn.

Genes. You really can not trust them. At least for me it has always been really difficult to find love that is not one-sided. It has always been like this, the boys/men I would like do not even look my way and the boys/men I could not care much less about are all over me. What kind of a wussie magnet am I really? I always seem to attract men that are like lost puppy dogs and I absolutely hate those. My man has to be social, fun and drive fast. Why can I never have one of those?

Can I get a life replacement? Friday 3rd April, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , add a comment

It looks like spring is finally here. The sun is shining, the snow is melting and Easter is just around the corner. And my life seems to be in a standstill situation, once again.

I know that I really need to find joy in life. It’s just so very hard. I just seem to drift from one day to another without any purpose. Ok, let’s correct the first sentence: I need to find purpose in my life. Everything seems so meaningless. What is the point of getting though yet another day?

Instead of solving the problem I spend considerable amount of time trying to forget. I’m happiest when I manage to forget what a mess my life (and my house in the matter of fact) is. So that means I’m quite happy for about two hours a week when I go riding. This week was especially good, I really felt that I have learned something in the two years I have been going there. Yeah! And, now that I have said that, most likely next week is a total disaster.

The other thing that keeps my mind off my miserable life is WoW. I have to admit that I’m completely addicted to it. But it helps me to forget. That is why I do it, at the expense of the house deteriorating around me. There is a show in TV where they clean up really messy and dirty houses. I watched it a bit yesterday and thought that at least our house is in a bit better shape. Not much, but a bit.

Well, time to go. I still need to get groceries and feed the family. I can get through the basics, it’s just all the other stuff that is not getting done…

Touch Friday 13th March, 2009

Posted by ankaisa in : This is me, Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so far

Yeah. It was fun while it lasted. Now he is back home. Sure, it does make some things easier. But I also managed to prove that I could make it on my own. It means more work but it is doable.

We had a nice winter vacation with DS. We went to a cruise again, and he loved it as usual. We had a better cabin this time and I’m not going back to those really small ones again. Besides, the drinks in the fridge were included in the price as well as the breakfast. So it’s not even that much more expensive.

I had reserved the trip a long time ago. I chose the day based on when our vacation is, not on anything else. Only when I got there I noticed from the cruise program that one of the acts on board was Scandinavian Hunks. Ummm, yeah. I would not pay to see them but if the show is included in the price as it now was I might just go and see it. I had my reservations about it but decided to go anyway.

Ummm, yeah. Let’s just say that the next time you will have to pay me to go see them. I do not understand it. Why is it so much fun to watch few men taking their shirt off? And why are all those women screaming their heads off? Maybe, just maybe things would be different if I thought any of them actually were sexy. But I really don’t. And besides, they did not really take everything off. I can see more in any swimming hall.

I do not drool over a naked male upper body no matter how muscular it is. There are really few men I even care to see without a shirt. Now that I think about it, the only men I actually do care to see without a shirt are those I could have sex with. Right at this moment there is only one man I would have sex with but he’s not going to have sex with me so it’s a stalemate.

Well, I just hope that the day will come when I bump into someone I like enough that likes me, too. The bummer in this is that I actually like sex very much. And I miss it, too. But not enough that I would have it with someone I do not like to. As I’ve said before, it is very hard for me to let people touch me. Actually if any man can get so far that I do not mind being touched by him I would probably go all the way. Well, unless he is a doctor or a masseur or someone else who has to touch me for some reason. Those do not count.

But here I am, living a life that does not feel like mine. Well, on the emotional side that is. Other parts I can not complain about right now. But a person does have the right to want that there is someone who loves you. And who you can love back. As a man and a woman. It sure does feel like something is missing.