My time Sunday 6th July, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Misc, Fuck you, universe! , add a commentI feel bad. I feel good. I’m on vacation.
Oh, you need more explanation? Sorry. I’m on vacation now. Have been for a week now. I’m just getting to let go of all the work related things.
Why do I feel bad and good? I went to the liquor store today. I bought something to drink. For me. Something I knew soon-to-be-ex would not touch. He saw the small bottle. I know he thought I had bought something for him. But I had bought something he will never touch: mint.
I felt satisfaction when he saw that bottle. He thought it was something he could get a share on. I said that you can have a sip – if you really want… I am bad. I want to smile at the reaction I got. I managed to annoy him. This once it was this way around!
I truly hope age is just a number Thursday 26th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farIt has suddenly hit me that I will be 40 later this year. Yes, 4-0. Damn that feels so old. I do not feel that old. I do not even look that old. People often think I am several years younger than I am. And frankly I do not mind.
But you can not argue the facts. My age will be that number in less than a half year. Not good. I hate the idea.
Even more I hate the idea of having to arrange a party to celebrate it. The actual birthday will be in the middle of the week anyway, so no partying on the actual day. So what’s the point of celebrating on the nearest weekend anyway?
It would be so different if I had a lot of friends. If I knew that the house or whatever place I choose would be filled with people I’m friends with. Now I just know that there would not be anyone. So even more, what is the point of even bothering.
I hate being this lonely. It sucks so deeply. It seems to me that everyone else has tons of friends. Everyone else throws a big party to friends when they reach 30 or 40 or whatever the age.
So I plan on doing what I have been planning all along. Or almost that. I have reserved one week in the sun for DS and me in the fall. It’s not on the exact day because of DS’s school but close enough. I’m going to spend some of my last days of an age under 40 under a palm tree. Who needs any friends anyway?
If it’s in the fridge it does not mean you have to drink it Tuesday 24th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 2 commentsSo the midsummer is over. I’m really, really glad it is over. As I suspected, it sucked big time. Friday was not too bad, but Saturday started off just great. I woke up in my bed with all my clothes on, so I must have been pretty drunk in the evening. Soon-to-be-ex had fallen asleep in a living room chair. He did wake up when DS got up. And what did he do as soon as he got up? He went to the fridge and popped open a can of beer.
He was not really sober to begin with, so pretty soon he was quite drunk again. In the middle of the day. I just tried to stay as far away from him as I could, but it pissed me off really bad. Really. I had a sick feeling in my stomach – no, not because I was having a hangover, but because of that jerk.
Not surprisingly he passed out at the kitchen table after getting food around 4 p.m. Yes, in the afternoon. Sometime later he (unfortunately) woke up. We were going to go to sauna again, as we had done the day before. I was not going to go to sauna with that one, I really wanted to go alone. Or with DS. Do you think that someone so drunk could understand it at that point? Yeah, right.
Luckily after the sauna he passed out again, this time on the bed. The flag should have been taken down at 9 p.m. but he could not do it. I stayed up with DS a bit longer and then we both went to sleep. The jerk was still sleeping over the bedspread…
All is well now, right? Noooooooo. At 3:30 a.m. someone of that jerk’s “friends” tried to call him. Shit. And it was not enough that the phone rang once for as long as it could. Oh no. After no-one answered the first call, it started ringing for short periods of time. Ring ring – hang up – ring ring – hang up – ring ring – hang up…
At that point I was so mad. I wanted to crush that phone. I wanted to hack it into small unrecognizable pieces. Kill it. Make sure it never ever rings again. But I just closed the door to keep the noise out.
Then that jerk got up. Yes, he just let his phone ring up to the point where I could not take any more. He stayed up for a while and walked around the house which effectively meant that I could not go back to sleep for quite a while.
And in the morning it was DS who woke me up. Guess what that jerk did? Ohhhh yes, he got up and walked straight to the fridge and opened a can of beer. Do we see a pattern here? This time he had luckily slept away most of the alcohol from last night so it took a while before he appeared really drunk again. But it did happen.
DS decided to go to his friend’s home for overnight, so I was left alone with that drunken man. I was pissed beyond belief. He had parked him in the kitchen which effectively meant that I could not get anything done. I so wanted to tell him to get the hell out of there. I tried to give him hints but to no avail, he just sat at the kitchen table. I quickly dashed into the kitchen whenever he went out for a cigarette and made it impossible for him to sit in the chair he sits. What did he do then? He stood by the table so long that I had to move.
So I stayed out of the kitchen all day. I was going to make a rhubarb pie, but the rhubarbs are still in the fridge because he sat in the frigging kitchen all day making my baking impossible. Fucking asshole!
And I was afraid to go to bed at night. I was so sure he would do something I would not like very much. I put on lots of clothes so that I would at least have the chance of waking up before his hands got too far…
So this was really a good reminder on how much I hate him. Oh fucking hell, this has got to stop. Even if I have to spend the rest of my life alone, this has to stop. Somehow I must find the strength in me. Anyone know where I might look first?
Who is hanging that black cloud over me? Wednesday 18th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farWow, I’m really feeling the need to write these days. Well, tomorrow will be a busy day at work so I most likely will not have time to write anything. And then it is midsummer, which means that it is unlikely I will be doing any updates.
But today I just wanted to talk about this impending feeling of doom I have been having lately. Like something really, really bad is going to happen soon. Just the other day I was driving in my car and suddenly felt it. Not that I would be killed or hurt in an accident but that I would hurt someone else and have to pay the price for it.
Then last night I had a particularly disturbing dream. As you know (well, at least if you have been reading for any length of time) the soon-to-be-ex likes to drink a lot. And I mean enough to pass out.
In my dream I woke up one morning. I noticed that soon-to-be-ex was not in the bed. I could not find him in the house. Well, it has happened. Nothing unusual about that. But then I noticed that the door was open. It was swinging back and forth. And for some reason it was winter outside.
Then I saw a trail of blood in the white snow, leading out to the field. Suddenly I knew that I could find him there. I closed the door and put on some warm clothes. I told DS to stay inside and not even look out. And I remember thinking: can they blame this on me?
Then I woke up. It took me while to understand I was in my bed. I could not get back to sleep for quite a while.
So I’m fully expecting something bad to happen. Most likely I will not crash my car or a crazy axe murderer is not going to kill soon-to-be-ex. But something will happen. I just do not know what it is. I’m just assuming it will be something that has a big impact. So that all my worries so far seem like nothing.
The other story Tuesday 17th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farSo, I promised you a second story in the last post. I highly recommend you read that one first so that this one will make more sense! I can not remember if I told this one before, but if I did it was most likely a really long time ago.
This story starts a few years back. This was the time before DS, before all the IF stuff. I was already living with my then-boyfriend-now-soon-to-be-ex. I do not really know how he knew this boy and his girlfriend, but somehow he did. He had been the designated driver for us sometimes when we went somewhere to drink. They were both several years younger than me.
That night they were at our place, getting drunk. Back then I used to smoke a cigarette or two when drunk. So at some point I went out for a smoke. Then this boy and his girlfriend come out. I forget why, but the girl urged the boy to kiss me – and he did. WTF?
OK, so that was one drunken night. It’s not that I would not have kissed anyone when drunk! I did not think much of it. But sometime a bit later we were at their place getting drunk. I was getting a drink from the fridge when suddenly this boy was grabbing me from behind. And saying things that were not completely appropriate.
At some point this boy and girl broke up. And I had DS. Then at some point it was nice to get out of the house again. So as I knew that this boy had been the designated driver before I called him to see if he could take me to the town.
He could not, but he had someone else as the designated driver and they picked me up. We went to a bar together. He started to talk weird things again and kissed me, several times. And I did not get away.
This actually happened few times. Then he freaked me out by saying that we could sometimes call each other when not drunk. Shit, I should be stricter on what can be done and what not. Luckily I still had a cell phone so I could leave his calls unanswered. Damn. Now he thinks I’m actually interested in him. Which I am completely and totally not.
The bad thing was that he was still friends with soon-to-be-ex. So he sometimes would come to our place at night and they would drink together. I usually went to bed early, not wanting to be with them.
One night I had not had much of anything to drink and went to sleep. At some point this boy had come to our place to drink with soon-to-be-ex. I woke up with a hand inside my panties. No, it was not my soon-to-be-ex. It was that boy. Saying inappropriate things again. I freaked out. This was getting way out of line.
I jumped out of the bed, grabbed something to cover me as I sleep with only my panties on. Rushed to see where the hell soon-to-be-ex was. Sure enough, he had passed out at the kitchen table, once again…
After that incident I have kept my distance to him. Not that this would discourage him: he was at our place drinking soon after I decided that this marriage is over. He was still there in the morning. All he could think to ask was that if I had a new man in mind already and then offered himself. Um, again, not even if you were the only man on the earth.
So I’ve had my bad experiences. I’m assuming it can work the other way around, too. I’m sure a man could be appalled to find out that someone he thought was just a friend wanted a lot more. So I do not want to take the first step. That could end up destroying the friendship completely!
So the question is again: how can you tell? What signs should you look for to know that it’s not just me? Given the fact that these stories tell about the only two males I’ve previously been out with (meaning just the two of us) that have not been my boyfriend, how likely is it that the next one will be interested in me, too?
I know. Nobody has the answers to these questions. It still does not keep me from asking them. Maybe I will find the answer one day, maybe not. But I can not take my chances. Not when I know how badly things can end up.
Telling the difference between friendship and more than Monday 16th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farDo you think it is possible for a man and a woman, if both are heterosexual, to be just friends? And I do not mean just acquaintances, because that is quite possible. I know a lot of men through my job and through female friends. But those men are not really my friends. I never go out with just them or go to see just them, there will always be others if that is the case. I can go out with a group of people where some or even majority of the group is male.
And even if I am not counting these men my real friends there have been passes at me. Several of them. And I never saw it coming. So now there are a lot of these men I know that I’m a bit reluctant to go drinking with, even in bigger groups.
But really being friends with someone of the opposite sex? Yes, I’m thinking it just might be possible possible but can it be only friendship? If you are feeling comfortable in sharing your thoughts with someone, would you not want to share something else, too? I remember reading on several couples who say they are also each other’s best friends. How could one be best friends with someone of the oppposite sex and then be dating a different man?
But it is also dangerous. You can never be sure if the other one really just wants to be friends and nothing else. You do risk losing the friendship if you take your chance with him. Because how can you tell? What is the sign that the other one would want to be more than just friends?
Let me tell you a story. Maybe even two stories. I can not remember if I have told you these before, but once again I’m way too lazy to check my archives. I could really use that search function…
The first story starts with my second year of college. As you probably know by now, I work in a field where there are a lot more men than women. The year I started college our class consisted of about 100 boys and just six girls. So naturally I went out with boys a lot, but never had a boyfriend from my class.
On the second year I became a tutor for a group of new students. And a part of the tutoring was taking these new students to bars or pizza or whatever. Again I did not think much of it, as these are just people I’m studying with.
Sometime later that fall one of the boys showed a bit more interest in me. Yeah, well, whatever. It was not like I had never kissed a boy before! But this one seemed to think that because I did kiss him (when suitably drunk) once that now I was his girlfriend. Uh, oh, he’s really not my type!
So I told him that I do not want to be his girlfriend. Whew, problem solved. Or so I thought…
But we stayed friends. Or not really good friends, we never ever talked about anything really deep. Just some everyday things and went to bars for a drink sometimes. Hey, it’s not like there were too many girls to do that with!
Fast forward a few years. Enter a few real boyfriends. That this friend knew about and even saw, several times. Add growing irritation towards his lacking social intelligence. I mean he could come and visit me and start lying on my couch because he was tired. He could call me on the phone when I did not really feel like talking and I could just watch TV for several minutes with him on the line, both quiet. All kinds of little things.
But he was so convenient to have around. I could just call him if I wanted to go out for a beer. He seemed to be harmless enough. He could not still be interested in me after all this time and other boyfriends!
But then came the time something snapped in his head. He got taken to the padded room by the nice men in white suits. He got out and things were back to normal. Or so I thought.
About a half a year later I was doing my master’s thesis in a company. I still had to get through a few courses, too. So I was emailing with him about this one course we were both taking. I thought it would be great to study it a bit together. Then suddenly I got this snappy email from him that he does not want to study with me.
Fine, I thought, so be it. If you are so snappy then I do not want to see you for a while. So I did not return his calls or emails for a while. My feelings were hurt. At that time I had my very first cell phone so I had the luxury of seeing the caller id. So it was easy to take out those unwanted calls.
Then he got sent into hospital again. So I started receiving phone calls from a payphone at the hospital. I think I answered the first one. Big mistake. He kept blabbering on how he loves me and has always loved me. Then I knew the number and did not answer it again. But he kept on calling.
So I was working back then. So I had a working phone, too. Just a regular phone with no way of telling where the call came from. He had figured out that I could tell where the calls were coming from and that I was not going to answer. So he called me at work. I had no choice but to answer. Again the same incoherent talk about how he loves me followed by long pauses.
So I became afraid to answer the phone. Even at work. I still hate to answer calls from unknown numbers.
But even that was not all. One cold winter day I saw him calling on my mobile again. He had gotten out of the hospital by then. I happened to be in a supermarket at the time so I had no choice but to cut the call and close my phone because there was no way in hell I was going to answer it.
I was still living in a student apartment at that time. So it meant that I had two people living in the same apartment as I did. And my room could not be locked. This is where I went after I got the groceries I needed.
Had I really left my door open in the morning? And the lights on? And my towel on the floor? CD player on with sappy love music?
I opened the door some more. And there he was. Lying on the floor grabbing my towel. Listening to my CD. I closed the door really, really quickly. And ran out into the freezing cold winter.
I called my very good girlfriend. In a panic. I could not go into there, who knows what he might do. After all I’m just a small girl and he is a man, I’m no match to him. I did not know what they had given him or how crazy he was.
Luckily my friends boyfriend was home and promised to come there. He managed to talk that “friend” out of my room and took him to his apartment. But I could not go into that room. No way. I was too freaked out. So I went with the boyfriend to their place and stayed overnight.
Needless to say that was the end of that friendship. I never talked to him since. I have never seen him since. In his mind it was clearly just a matter of time before I would be his girlfriend. In my mind I knew that would not happen even if he was the last man on earth.
I know I promised you two stories, but this one post is getting too long. I’m actually amazed if anyone has managed to read this far. But you will have another example of freaky friends in a later post.
This is the invisible line around me, please do not cross Friday 13th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : This is me, Fuck you, universe!, Music talk , add a commentIt’s not really a surprise that I have been listening to a lot of Judas Priest during the last week or so. I’ve actually found several new (read: really old) songs I did not know anything about. I’ve also tried to listen to some old songs to see if they get better that way.
One of the old ones I’ve tried to listen again is Turbo Lover. I do think that is the most well known of all their songs. I never really liked it. It was about the only song I even knew before I found the band in, surprise, surprise, youtube last fall. But it will most likely take a few more times before it turns good in my ears. But you can not say this song isn’t about sex, because it is.
Then one of the songs from the concert that I did not know before was Eat Me Alive . That one is surprisingly good. And it seems that some people thought it is exceptionally bad. Yes, this one is about sex. There is really no alternative interpretation of the lyrics. But to me the lyrics describe how two people have consensual (or whatever the right word is) passionate sex. Not even oral sex but normal sex. And definitely no forcing. I guess it depends on who reads the lyrics.
Come to think of it, they seem to have a lot of songs about sex. And several of those that can be interpreted that way (or at least I can). Or maybe it is just a case of seeing it because your own lack of it…
Damn it. I have to get my butt moving on this divorce thing. Maybe then I can find someone who is willing to have sex with me. Maybe even someone who would agree to do it while Judas Priest is playing in the background. Oh, that would be nice!
But then there is the third thing: I have to be able to touch him. I just recently realized that I have a problem in touching people. It is very hard to me. I can shake hands but that is about it. All those family celebrations where you have to hug a lot of people or even the one celebrated are awful. I do not hug people. I will only touch those I want to.
And I have a hunch on where this is coming from. Some years ago my mom had a birthday or something. So I was there with DS. At some point more guests arrived, and yes, the hugging started. But what did my dad do? Started to mess with DS so that he would not see my mom hugging. Do you suppose that is what has happened when I was a kid? I do. And I’m not so surprised that I so not like hugging. After all it must be a really, really bad thing and you should not have seen it. But even realizing the reluctance and where it really comes from does not take it away. I just do not touch people. Period.
Who do I touch then? Those people are few and far between. DS, of course. I used to be able to touch soon-to-be-ex, but not anymore. Most of my friends I do not care to touch. I can spend time with them, but please no touching. I can not think I could ever touch a complete stranger. Maybe that is why I have never been into one night stands…
Here I go again Wednesday 11th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farThank god it is Wednesday again. That means that there will be one hour today that all kinds of thoughts are not running through my head. It has been nearly impossible to get any work done these past few days. Not that it would be something unusual, but it has been worse than it used to be.
Why does everything have to be so complicated? Why there are no genies in real life that could give you three wishes? Now I just have to live with the decisions I have made through the years. I was falling back to the same rut I have been in for the past years. Now I again realize that it’s not where I want to be! I want out!
But the bad news is that I’m no closer on finding the exit than I was half a year ago. I’m just not. Still no sign of big lottery win. Still no available rental apartments near where I already live.
And I’m feeling the knot in my stomach again. All day, all night. I’m having weird dreams and not sleeping very well.
This is beginning to feel like peeling a band aid from a hairy spot very, very slowly. It does hurt if you just yank it off, but it’s not really that much fun if the pain just goes on and on. It is inevitable that this must end. I’m just not finding the strength in me to finally end it for good…
This place really is for everyone to see Tuesday 10th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 2 commentsAs you can see, the previous post is password protected. It got a bit too revealing for me to feel comfortable in posting it out here. But if you do want to read it, ask for the password. Either leave a comment to this post (make sure your email address is correct) or email me directly to the address shown in the sidebar.
I just don’t want anyone who passes by to be able to read it. But if you have been reading and want to see it, please do ask! If this is the first time I see you some kind of explanation would be nice. But if you have been commenting here earlier then no explanation is necessary.