Echoes from the past Monday 18th August, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Infertility does change your views , 1 comment so farHas anyone else received this?
“I am a doctoral student at a Southern University. As part of my dissertation research, I am studying the blogging motivations of individuals and couples dealing with fertility issues. I came across your blog by doing a search through Technorati. I would be highly obliged if you would take a few moments to fill out a survey questionnaire for me. The survey can be completed by clicking on the link below-
http://www.surveymonkey.com/s.aspx?sm=9Z54YQjNXqULR9kbTDrmRg_3d_3d
I am trying to reach as many people as I can. I would greatly appreciate if you could please ask your other blogger friends to complete the above survey. I would be happy to forward a copy of my research if you would be interested in knowing the result of this study.
Thanks for all your help.”
I did go and fill it in, as I always love all kinds of surveys. I was just wondering if I’m the only one. It felt a bit odd to answer, as I’m really quite far beyond those things already. And some of the questions did not really apply to me. But I think it is great that someone wants to study this.
Anatomically correct
Posted by ankaisa in : This is me, Proud mommy, Fuck you, universe! , add a commentI really do need a search function for this site… Once again I’m going to talk about something that I may have talked about before, but I’m way too lazy to go through all my posts to find out. So I’m going to write about this. But I have to warn you that this is a controversial issue. If you feel that you are offended by what I am going to post, please stop reading.
Most of you know I live in Finland. But I’m going to state it here anyway, as I’m not really sure what kind of Google hits this one post is going to generate to this site. So this is not the US I’m living in. Things are different around here.
So what gave me the idea to this post? Well, I’m going to this one board where someone posted this video (warning, contains cute kids and a naked baby doll):
So the discussion started on whether or not is this a suitable toy for a six year old girl. Because, oh my god, you can see his (toy) penis and it rises a bit up when he pees. Well, I for one have had a baby boy. And I have been peed on. And that is exactly what happens then. So if you are fast, you can close the diaper when you see that the penis is rising and avoid the shower. I’m quite sure all moms who have had boys know this. Oh, I googled a bit and came across this. Do you think they would be selling these things if I just lied?
“But… But… That penis seems to be getting a hard-on!” Yeah, Einstein, so it is. Did you think that this functionality just suddenly appears when the boy reaches puberty? Umm, no. The functionality is there from the beginning. I kinda wish that someone had told me this before I had my son. It did freak me out a bit the first time I saw it. But it makes sense, all the parts have to be there so most likely it will react to things. It’s just that a baby boy does not link it to sexuality at that age. I think that is the thing that changes in puberty. Then again I’m not a man, so I do not know for sure when it changes. But I think I can fairly certain that when a baby boy pees he is not looking at the baby girl on the next changing table…
So excuse me if I can not feel offended by this little doll. To me it just seems that the makers have wanted it to be like a real baby. Because that’s what they do. Welcome to the real world!
There will be another post coming from the same discussion thread, as someone there said that it is not disgusting that it rises but the fact that he evidently is not circumcised… If you think this post was bad then you most likely should not read that one either!
How can you be attached to pixels in the screen? Thursday 14th August, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Misc , 1 comment so farOh the things you get addicted to. My latest addiction is raising dragons. At first I thought that this must be the stupidest idea ever, but somehow I can not stop clicking anymore. Click. Click click. Click click click. Damn this is fun!
The idea is to get people to view your eggs (and later hatchlings) and maybe even click them. If they get enough views and clicks they grow up. Sounds utterly stupid, doesn’t it? But there just is some kind of addictive element in it. You just don’t want to see your eggs die. Especially when they have parents (that’s when someone breeds their adult dragons).
So this is what I’ve got so far:
1. The one with two heads: 
2. Shy green one: 
3. This one red: 
4. Growing with the plants: 
5. Dark clouds in the sky: 
6. Into the sky: 
7. And the one made of paper: 
This one is not mine, but I’m feeling kinda bad for it. Not much time left and no crack in sight… So I’m hoping to get some views for it, too: 
Fat girl dancing Friday 8th August, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Misc , 1 comment so farToday I was reading a blog that is somewhat infamous here in Finland. I may have written about it before, and I’m still not totally sure if it is real or not. But anyway it is great entertainment so I have been reading it as such. It is a blog about a bet where a man is trying to get laid with 100 different women within one year. It is really not much about sex; it really focuses on how this man finds the women and persuades them into having sex with him. The act itself is usually not described.
This time the blog talked about how he had managed to get laid with a fat woman. And that being fat is a disadvantage when in bed. But that in the other hand being fat meant that the person is more likely to indulge in physical pleasures and could be persuaded to have sex with reasonable effort. The reasoning being that having sex with strangers is fun but frowned upon so you should look for partners among those who smoke, drink, eat greasy foods, gamble etc.
In my mind I have always thought that being fat was a major put off. Now it suddenly seems that might even be a good thing. Well, if you are looking for one night stands at least. And I know I’m not exactly thin. So there just might be hope for me. I have not managed to shed this weight at all, and it is really getting to me. I just like food too much!
Maybe I could think that not being too thin might actually up my chances. I have been off the market for such a long time that I do not know if I could still attract men. I’ve always thought that the only thing that could attract anyone would be my boobs. Tits. Breasts. That are big. For some reason (some) men seem to start drooling uncontrollably when they see big tits. And there really is no way you can say mine are small.
Then the man in the blog wrote about another one, in a bar where they play music and people dance. And he said that it is a wonder how humans have survived before someone invented rhythm music. The beating of the bass has the same rhythm as having sex and so do the moving asses. And that if a woman enjoys dancing it should mean she wants to have sex. But that it is had to make a difference between a woman who dances just for fun and a woman who is not satisfied if the last dance is not in the bedroom.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been dancing. I like to dance, but I have always felt that I can not because I must look funny when I do. I remember way back when I went to this one place quite often. Most of the girls danced so that they just moved one foot close to the other and then the same to the other side. I do not feel that is really dancing. I always want to dance with more movement. So even this flaw in me could actually be a good thing. Go figure.
Why is it sunny now when I have to sit inside? Thursday 31st July, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Misc, Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farSorry, I did not mean to just dissapear again. But vacation is now over. And I’m back to work. So more time to write all kinds of stupid things here!
But as I am trying to gather my thoughts and organize them into a coherent post, I’ll just post this link to a site where you can see if you are more likely to be a man or a woman. I was so sure I would be more a man than a woman, but it turned out I’m 98% female. Figure that.
My time Sunday 6th July, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Misc, Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farI feel bad. I feel good. I’m on vacation.
Oh, you need more explanation? Sorry. I’m on vacation now. Have been for a week now. I’m just getting to let go of all the work related things.
Why do I feel bad and good? I went to the liquor store today. I bought something to drink. For me. Something I knew soon-to-be-ex would not touch. He saw the small bottle. I know he thought I had bought something for him. But I had bought something he will never touch: mint.
I felt satisfaction when he saw that bottle. He thought it was something he could get a share on. I said that you can have a sip – if you really want… I am bad. I want to smile at the reaction I got. I managed to annoy him. This once it was this way around!
I truly hope age is just a number Thursday 26th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farIt has suddenly hit me that I will be 40 later this year. Yes, 4-0. Damn that feels so old. I do not feel that old. I do not even look that old. People often think I am several years younger than I am. And frankly I do not mind.
But you can not argue the facts. My age will be that number in less than a half year. Not good. I hate the idea.
Even more I hate the idea of having to arrange a party to celebrate it. The actual birthday will be in the middle of the week anyway, so no partying on the actual day. So what’s the point of celebrating on the nearest weekend anyway?
It would be so different if I had a lot of friends. If I knew that the house or whatever place I choose would be filled with people I’m friends with. Now I just know that there would not be anyone. So even more, what is the point of even bothering.
I hate being this lonely. It sucks so deeply. It seems to me that everyone else has tons of friends. Everyone else throws a big party to friends when they reach 30 or 40 or whatever the age.
So I plan on doing what I have been planning all along. Or almost that. I have reserved one week in the sun for DS and me in the fall. It’s not on the exact day because of DS’s school but close enough. I’m going to spend some of my last days of an age under 40 under a palm tree. Who needs any friends anyway?
If it’s in the fridge it does not mean you have to drink it Tuesday 24th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 2 commentsSo the midsummer is over. I’m really, really glad it is over. As I suspected, it sucked big time. Friday was not too bad, but Saturday started off just great. I woke up in my bed with all my clothes on, so I must have been pretty drunk in the evening. Soon-to-be-ex had fallen asleep in a living room chair. He did wake up when DS got up. And what did he do as soon as he got up? He went to the fridge and popped open a can of beer.
He was not really sober to begin with, so pretty soon he was quite drunk again. In the middle of the day. I just tried to stay as far away from him as I could, but it pissed me off really bad. Really. I had a sick feeling in my stomach – no, not because I was having a hangover, but because of that jerk.
Not surprisingly he passed out at the kitchen table after getting food around 4 p.m. Yes, in the afternoon. Sometime later he (unfortunately) woke up. We were going to go to sauna again, as we had done the day before. I was not going to go to sauna with that one, I really wanted to go alone. Or with DS. Do you think that someone so drunk could understand it at that point? Yeah, right.
Luckily after the sauna he passed out again, this time on the bed. The flag should have been taken down at 9 p.m. but he could not do it. I stayed up with DS a bit longer and then we both went to sleep. The jerk was still sleeping over the bedspread…
All is well now, right? Noooooooo. At 3:30 a.m. someone of that jerk’s “friends” tried to call him. Shit. And it was not enough that the phone rang once for as long as it could. Oh no. After no-one answered the first call, it started ringing for short periods of time. Ring ring – hang up – ring ring – hang up – ring ring – hang up…
At that point I was so mad. I wanted to crush that phone. I wanted to hack it into small unrecognizable pieces. Kill it. Make sure it never ever rings again. But I just closed the door to keep the noise out.
Then that jerk got up. Yes, he just let his phone ring up to the point where I could not take any more. He stayed up for a while and walked around the house which effectively meant that I could not go back to sleep for quite a while.
And in the morning it was DS who woke me up. Guess what that jerk did? Ohhhh yes, he got up and walked straight to the fridge and opened a can of beer. Do we see a pattern here? This time he had luckily slept away most of the alcohol from last night so it took a while before he appeared really drunk again. But it did happen.
DS decided to go to his friend’s home for overnight, so I was left alone with that drunken man. I was pissed beyond belief. He had parked him in the kitchen which effectively meant that I could not get anything done. I so wanted to tell him to get the hell out of there. I tried to give him hints but to no avail, he just sat at the kitchen table. I quickly dashed into the kitchen whenever he went out for a cigarette and made it impossible for him to sit in the chair he sits. What did he do then? He stood by the table so long that I had to move.
So I stayed out of the kitchen all day. I was going to make a rhubarb pie, but the rhubarbs are still in the fridge because he sat in the frigging kitchen all day making my baking impossible. Fucking asshole!
And I was afraid to go to bed at night. I was so sure he would do something I would not like very much. I put on lots of clothes so that I would at least have the chance of waking up before his hands got too far…
So this was really a good reminder on how much I hate him. Oh fucking hell, this has got to stop. Even if I have to spend the rest of my life alone, this has to stop. Somehow I must find the strength in me. Anyone know where I might look first?
Who is hanging that black cloud over me? Wednesday 18th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farWow, I’m really feeling the need to write these days. Well, tomorrow will be a busy day at work so I most likely will not have time to write anything. And then it is midsummer, which means that it is unlikely I will be doing any updates.
But today I just wanted to talk about this impending feeling of doom I have been having lately. Like something really, really bad is going to happen soon. Just the other day I was driving in my car and suddenly felt it. Not that I would be killed or hurt in an accident but that I would hurt someone else and have to pay the price for it.
Then last night I had a particularly disturbing dream. As you know (well, at least if you have been reading for any length of time) the soon-to-be-ex likes to drink a lot. And I mean enough to pass out.
In my dream I woke up one morning. I noticed that soon-to-be-ex was not in the bed. I could not find him in the house. Well, it has happened. Nothing unusual about that. But then I noticed that the door was open. It was swinging back and forth. And for some reason it was winter outside.
Then I saw a trail of blood in the white snow, leading out to the field. Suddenly I knew that I could find him there. I closed the door and put on some warm clothes. I told DS to stay inside and not even look out. And I remember thinking: can they blame this on me?
Then I woke up. It took me while to understand I was in my bed. I could not get back to sleep for quite a while.
So I’m fully expecting something bad to happen. Most likely I will not crash my car or a crazy axe murderer is not going to kill soon-to-be-ex. But something will happen. I just do not know what it is. I’m just assuming it will be something that has a big impact. So that all my worries so far seem like nothing.
The other story Tuesday 17th June, 2008
Posted by ankaisa in : Fuck you, universe! , 1 comment so farSo, I promised you a second story in the last post. I highly recommend you read that one first so that this one will make more sense! I can not remember if I told this one before, but if I did it was most likely a really long time ago.
This story starts a few years back. This was the time before DS, before all the IF stuff. I was already living with my then-boyfriend-now-soon-to-be-ex. I do not really know how he knew this boy and his girlfriend, but somehow he did. He had been the designated driver for us sometimes when we went somewhere to drink. They were both several years younger than me.
That night they were at our place, getting drunk. Back then I used to smoke a cigarette or two when drunk. So at some point I went out for a smoke. Then this boy and his girlfriend come out. I forget why, but the girl urged the boy to kiss me – and he did. WTF?
OK, so that was one drunken night. It’s not that I would not have kissed anyone when drunk! I did not think much of it. But sometime a bit later we were at their place getting drunk. I was getting a drink from the fridge when suddenly this boy was grabbing me from behind. And saying things that were not completely appropriate.
At some point this boy and girl broke up. And I had DS. Then at some point it was nice to get out of the house again. So as I knew that this boy had been the designated driver before I called him to see if he could take me to the town.
He could not, but he had someone else as the designated driver and they picked me up. We went to a bar together. He started to talk weird things again and kissed me, several times. And I did not get away.
This actually happened few times. Then he freaked me out by saying that we could sometimes call each other when not drunk. Shit, I should be stricter on what can be done and what not. Luckily I still had a cell phone so I could leave his calls unanswered. Damn. Now he thinks I’m actually interested in him. Which I am completely and totally not.
The bad thing was that he was still friends with soon-to-be-ex. So he sometimes would come to our place at night and they would drink together. I usually went to bed early, not wanting to be with them.
One night I had not had much of anything to drink and went to sleep. At some point this boy had come to our place to drink with soon-to-be-ex. I woke up with a hand inside my panties. No, it was not my soon-to-be-ex. It was that boy. Saying inappropriate things again. I freaked out. This was getting way out of line.
I jumped out of the bed, grabbed something to cover me as I sleep with only my panties on. Rushed to see where the hell soon-to-be-ex was. Sure enough, he had passed out at the kitchen table, once again…
After that incident I have kept my distance to him. Not that this would discourage him: he was at our place drinking soon after I decided that this marriage is over. He was still there in the morning. All he could think to ask was that if I had a new man in mind already and then offered himself. Um, again, not even if you were the only man on the earth.
So I’ve had my bad experiences. I’m assuming it can work the other way around, too. I’m sure a man could be appalled to find out that someone he thought was just a friend wanted a lot more. So I do not want to take the first step. That could end up destroying the friendship completely!
So the question is again: how can you tell? What signs should you look for to know that it’s not just me? Given the fact that these stories tell about the only two males I’ve previously been out with (meaning just the two of us) that have not been my boyfriend, how likely is it that the next one will be interested in me, too?
I know. Nobody has the answers to these questions. It still does not keep me from asking them. Maybe I will find the answer one day, maybe not. But I can not take my chances. Not when I know how badly things can end up.